I’ve been going to church for ten years. I was an atheist before and I’ve never been lonelier in my entire life. I was hoping to make some friends, not just acquaintances. I went to small groups, did all the things, volunteered, but I have no authentic relationships. The church leaders keep saying we need more campuses, we need to reach more people, more numbers, but I think that’s the last thing they need. I wish they just took care of the people they had and the people they’re supposed to be shepherding. We’re just a number to them in their mlm scam of a church. I hopped so many churches because I was looking for some authentic friends. People just blamed me for not being involved enough. I went to one church for years and not once in four years have any of the people who I’ve gone to these small groups with ever texted me to genuinely see how I was doing. I was living in my car and they knew. I feel like I’m in a country club every time I go to church. I’ve never met more fake or insincere people in my life.

Kimberly,
I agree with you 100%. I do not think Jesus had that in mind for us either. Things are not supposed to be legalistic even though I agree we should not forsake the assembly as Hebrews says. However, what are you to do when the assembly forsakes you? e.g. does not talk to you, does not care when you are there or not, does not acknowledge you, etc.?

You must’ve missed the comments from several people stating that they invited people to breakfast, etc. only to never have it reciprocated. You can do “all the things” but ultimately, you cannot make other people care. You cannot make other people make time for you.

You summed up mine and my husband’s experience perfectly when you touched on the indifference people seem to have toward going deeper beyond Sunday mornings, even after spending years together in a home fellowship group. I’m at the point where I’ve thrown up my hands and saying “Why bother?” when it comes to church attendance. I’m told that I should attend as an act of obedience, but I doubt what God had in mind when He gave us the command to not forsake assembly was to simply sit our rear end in a seat on Sunday morning and leave an hour and a half later in order to say that we’ve checked the box. That doesn’t work for me.

I could not agree with you more. This is something that doesn’t get talked about enough in churches. I suppose it is the elephant in the room where churches would have to admit something is not going well.
My wife and I have been to at least 11 semesters of small groups (7 or 8 weeks each). After that, you would think we would have some friendships that went beyond the groups, but many times it did not happen or the friendship fizzled quickly for a variety of reasons.
It feels like no one in church understands how to be intentional these days and show interest in getting to know others. Many times it feels cliquish (e.g. church staff kids hang out with other staff kids and get certain privileges that other kids do not, worship team hangs out with worship team, etc.).
I hear the leadership talk all the time about the value of community groups / small groups / life groups. I would agree. However, the reality of the depth of relationships is a far cry from the model they suggest for us. It seems to be very difficult to have meangingful friendships in these groups outside of them. It feels like we all “know” we should attend one, so we do. Then, we check the box that we did and forget about everyone that was in our group after it is over. It is confounding and frustrating! Why can’t we keep these relationships?!
Church feels like going to the movies a lot. You find your seat, watch the show (someone recently called modern church a cross between a TED talk and a concert), have little to no interaction with others watching the show and leave like cattle afterwards.
Something needs to be done and I am starting to wonder if technology is making it harder for us to connect and foster meaningful relationships.
I usher at church and find that most people walking past me do not make eye contact and want to go right into the service. Many people I have been in groups with do not acknowledge me or my wife even though we spent a lot of time together in groups (one for two years of 4 semesters).
If anyone has any solutions, please let me know. Please to not give Christian platitudes as well. Thanks for posting this and helping me feel we are not alone.

Thank you for sharing your story. Even though it unfortunately sounds all to familiar to our own. Its encouraging to know we are not alone in this. We feel like” bad christians” because we cant seem to find a church that we can grow with. Knowing there are others that feel the same aspires hope that there are more like us out there.

I tried going to this smaller church in my area for almost two years. Went every Sunday and I only ever had 3 people talk to me—another girl who was visiting, a lady who had recently moved to town and joined the church, and an acquaintance from college who happened to attend there.

After about a year of attending I tried volunteering at one of their service projects where only the lady who had recently moved here and my college acquaintance talked to me. Later this same lady invited me and another new girl to the Women’s bible study. We attended and no one asked our names, introduced themselves, or talked to us. (The lady who invited us wasn’t there that evening). After that I never saw that other new girl who went to the study with me in that church again, and I can’t blame her. I kept going for almost another year before I gave up.

This post and the comments have finally made me realize it isn’t my fault. People in church already have their clicks and friend groups and don’t care to make new friends. To make it more difficult I’m in my 30s and single and everything in the church is segregated by gender and age. The only groups available for people my age are for married couples and moms with kids. The only singles groups available are for single moms or single seniors, usually widows.

I feel completely rejected and abandoned by the traditional church. I’m exhausted from looking and trying new churches when it just seems to be the same everywhere. The only friends I have are with two girls I’ve known from middle school. I think I’m going to give up on attending traditional church and find alternative ways to practice my faith. I don’t know what else to do anymore. I’m exhausted and I hate the feeling of sitting in a crowded church service every week feeling utterly alone. I don’t want it to be this way but I’m kind of tired of fighting the reality of it and I guess it’s time for me to accept it and adapt. It’s just so sad and painful.