At church, I have experienced the scenario expressed like this: “They are very nice and kind when we meet on Sundays at church, but none of them actually wants to be a close friend.” In the past year, I have been involved in all of their fundraisers, which are basically meals, like pancake breakfasts and spaghetti dinners. I attend the weekly bible study, which has an attendance of about 15-20. I’ve enjoyed fellowshipping with these people, but am very tired. Again, in my experience, being active in the church isn’t exactly the way to make close friends. It is a way to serve God and be used. However, I do not personally enjoy pancake breakfasts and spaghetti dinners, don’t support such foods for anyone, and am thinking that I need to find a better way to serve God.

Looking at all these comments, too, it astounds me how many people don’t even entertain the idea that their own communication style might be the problem. Why do you feel the need to be asked a specific question to share anything about your life? Seems like the narcissism they are accusing other people of.

I find in “conversations” , people pepper me with questions incessantly – even to the point where I’m visibily uncomfortable with their line of questioning where the feel the need to dig deep and ask me to elaborate on every little detail, they don’t stop the interrogation.

Why not start a conversation in a different way than making it an interview? Ask a question, then share your own answer to the question. This encourages conversation, rather than judging the other person because they don’t have any inspired questions to ask like you seem to.

If you are in an artificial environment a lot where you are only ever asked but never may ask yourself, you tend to do that even when questions are welcome. (People in repeated job applications, people in therapy… cannot ask their boss or therapist.)

You may genuinely not know what to ask. I know somebody who works a few months each year in Ethiopia. But I only had one question for him, had he seen the carved rock churches. He had not. Thus ended my knowledge about Ethiopia. Albeit not my interest.
The next trap is, he is a good guy who doesn’t want to do “mansplaining”. So he doesn’t just talk freely even though I would find it nice.
In some couples (in the majority of church couples) the wife would frown upon him telling a long story to me, the single lady.

Sometimes the conversation is off entirely. So this lady said I had such a nice flat belly. This is not a situation to scream emotional pain from miscarriages in her face. This is a situation to go away quietly. And no, not asking questions about her twin grandchildren.
She could probably write on a board such as this “I paid her a compliment and she just left me alone.”

Certainly, on those rare occasions when a companion does listen and engage it’s always such an unexpected surprise and delight.

I think the deficit of listening comes from a range of causes- a lack of personal insight, habits, insecurity, relief at being listened to and not wanting to waste the precious opportunity, a lack of curiosity and selfishness. Doubt most people are even aware of how little they listen and engage, so all I can do is model how I would like to be treated and that means listening even when it’s content I’ve heard repeated many times or topics which aren’t hugely interesting to me.

So please, if you come across something like me, feel free to start taking about yourself, to help me get going!

It has become an intimate time with friends, where we spend time sharing our interests and concerns and offering these things up in a prayers for the people style of prayer during the Eucharist.

It reminds me of the early church meeting in people’s homes. This sort of thing could be expanded, even without the Eucharist, by having willing members schedule regular gatherings at their homes. Perhaps on a rotating monthly basis.

A church we were part of once had rotating dinner gatherings at the home of each couple in the group. Each host couple sort of set informal guide lines for get to know you activities.

At the first dinner, our hosts started by introducing themselves with just a cursory mention of their occupation, instead focusing on their family, their hobbies, what they liked to read, and a mention of a challenge they faced.

We found out one of our church friends was a clock mechanic and pump organ builder in his spare time. Another shared losing his job in the airline industry; someone else’s child struggled with dyslexia. A woman we knew as a makeup sales woman found a way to use her organizational skills to put together a greeters group for our church.

Without this dinner group, everyone would have thought she was just interested in making her next sales goal. This was a group that showed us those we prayed with on Sunday were more like us than not.

Can relate to this Elizabeth. This has happened to us too.